


What if

by NatureTree



Category: NCIS, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Biphobia, Bullying, Depression, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Keith & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Keith (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Matt Holt Has Anxiety, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Pidge | Katie Holt is Savage, Self-Harm, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Coran (Voltron), Survivor Guilt, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 15:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14596296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatureTree/pseuds/NatureTree
Summary: Keith was a child, lost and alone. He no one to turm to and he lost many things as a child. He did not do many things as a child. He stopped talking when he was eight. He moved to foster homes from foster homes.He never had a home or anyone to rely on. But he met people who made him a better person.He trusted them.And fell in love with Lance McClain





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This mentions depression, anxiety attacks, even of suicide, homophobia and bullying.

The first time it happened, he was six years old. Such a young boy.

  
He remembered everything like it was yesterday, he remembered the cops and the NCIS agents, he remembered the blood, he remembered the look in his father's eyes. He remembered everyone asking so many questions.

  
Until agent Gibbs finally got them to move away. Agent Gibbs was a kind man, he knew what it was to lose people. He told him about his wife and daughter, how they were killed.

  
He remembered agent Dinozzo and agent McGee, they were weird but intelligent people.

He found himself getting attached to them, he remembered staying with them until the case was solved, like it was. He learned the culprit was a gang leader, Zarkon Alvarez.

  
He remembered the agents bidding him goodbye as he was sent to foster care.

  
Then he remembered how he couldn't breath, how his chest felt heavy and his head felt dizzy.

  
He remembered his father's body, how it laid lifeless on the ground.

  
That was the first time Keith had a panic attack.

  
***

Keith was currently eighteen years old, lived with Ai Shirogane, Tadashi Shirogane, Takashi Shirogane.

  
They were a family.

  
They had the same last name, Keith didn't. His name was Keith Kogane, he wasn't their family and he knew it.

  
So the mornings was always the most difficult ones, were Ai, Tadashi and Takashi were all in the same place.

  
Always in the kitchen, cooking breakfast and talking about their plans. They were happy. Until Keith came down. Their smiles always dropped and it made him feel guilty.  
It did that morning too but he did his best to ignore it.

  
He walked to the fridge to get something to drink, he didn't want to stay there longer than necessary and since school started in twenty minutes, he might have an out.

  
Until,

  
“Keith, please come sit down.”

  
It was his supposed mother.

  
He turned around to look at them and saw what he always saw, pity.

  
He frowned slightly as he made his way to the table, slowly but stable enough to keep him calm. He knew his adopted family were wary of him, he had many outbursts.  
He signed,

  
**What is it, Ai?**

  
He hadn't talked since he was eight years old, he didn't dare do it. He knew what would happen, his throat was so dry and his voice would be raspy. He couldn't bear to say a word.

  
He heard Ai sigh.

  
“We know you feel bad about moving, but you have to go to school. We have already talked to the teachers, they know about your condition and will keep that in mind.”

  
That was Ai.

  
Always straight to the point and bold. If they were related, that was who he would get it from.

  
He nod his head and ignored his rumbling stomach for the sake of getting out of that claustrophobic house. He never felt save around them. He knew they could disown him whenever they wanted to and he hated it. He hated being a person people could disown.

  
Perhaps he should have died with his father.

  
He thought that often, at nights he couldn't sleep and mornings he couldn't bring himself out of bed. Days he didn't go to school and afternoons he forgot to take his medication.

  
Keith had anxiety and everyone knew it. He had regular panic attacks that could last from ten minutes to an hour or two. He never calmed down until he was by himself.

  
But at school it was more complicated.  
He couldn't lock himself into the bathroom for a long time without people thinking he were jerking off.

  
Especially when he go in with a red face and goes out with an even redder face. It was because he couldn't breath, he didn't get oxygen into his lungs.

  
Now he was going to a new school were no one knew him.

  
He was a stranger.

  
He was someone no one knew existed until recently, and in truth, it was scary how a life could be so meaningless.

  
***

  
He arrived to school ten minutes late and being late at his first school-day was pathetic. People were going to think he were some kind of drug-dealer or jackass. Maybe some would try to deal him drugs.

  
He hated drugs, with a passion.

  
So as he made his way to his homeroom, he felt his heart quicken and his hands sweat. He took deep breaths to calm himself.

  
He didn't knock, instead, when he found his homeroom he opened the door and peeked his head in. He saw people. Students who turned their heads towards him. He looked around until he spotted a red-haired man with a vibrant moustache to match. He think he already liked him

  
“Ah, you must be Keith Kogane, huh?” The man asked with a thick Australian accent. He was good with accents and languages.

  
He shook his head yes.

  
“Fantastic! How about you introduce yourself and then take a seat somewhere?” The energetic man seemed to be the only one to enjoy this class.

  
But Keith stepped in nonetheless with a wry smile and shaking fists. He wondered if he looked like he wanted to punch someone.

  
He glanced to his homeroom teacher and took a deep breath, trying to find a way to communicate in a way they would understand.

  
Seriously, did that man not read the mail?

  
Keith picked up a white-board marker without any knowledge if he was allowed but he wrote on the white-board nonetheless.

  
**“I'm Keith Kogane, eighteen years old, I am mute and have been since I were eight. Therefore I communicate this way. Hope don't mind. Not that I care.”**

  
Backing away to let everyone see what he wrote, he glanced around the classroom to see some understanding nods, some annoyed grimaces and some mean gestures.

  
Well, that was a nice class he supposed as he made his way to the seat on the first row.

  
People stared at him and he knew it. Perhaps it was his longer hair or violet eyes, but he supposed they would be overlooked from afar. Maybe it was his clothing style, after all, he had chosen a white, red and yellow leather jacket, his signature one, a black t-shirt, black skinny jeans and combat boots, together with his belt and fingerless leather gloves, he suppose he looks emo.

  
But Keith couldn't care less.

  
He was there for study, not for friends. He did after all not do friends. He couldn't depend on them. People always left once he put his trust in them and he wasn't ready for that.

Not again.

  
So he was going to do like he always did.  
Push everyone away until they accept defeat. But apparently that was going to prove more difficult than he thought.


	2. Day one; Fucking headache

Keith was always a sore loser, so when he lost in Mario Kart, again, he might say, to Pidge he felt himself go mad.

  
He heard Pidge cackling beside him and pouted.

  
He loved Pidge but they were a handful and he wanted to kill them, right then and there. But he would probably be caught in the act and sent to prison and he didn't want to spend his whole life there.

  
“Dude, if you're contemplating how to kill me you know I will kill you first.” They said.

  
Keith knew they were right, Pidge was a fast and nimble person. Agile and admittedly terrifying when pissed off and he never wanted to make them mad again.

  
He actually thought he saw the light.

  
Until they stopped kicking his kneecaps. But that didn't mean that they didn't ache for days afterwards, because they did and he wanted to kill them.

  
But his body would ache all over if he even tried. He was trained in martial arts and a very capable hand-to-hand combatant and yet a little gremlin could beat him and it made him upset.

  
At least he knew Pidge would be kept safe from people who were against their gender identity, or lack of there-of.

  
To be honest, he admired them the most in the world.

  
They had come out at only the age of ten and he was astonished when he heard that. Before that time they were called “she” and “Katie” which they admitted were something they disliked.

  
They were young when they came out as non-binary and he was impressed. He heard about people not coming out until their late twenties and they did it in their childhood. They truly were admirable.

  
“Uh, man, I know that you are zoning out but don't do that in public. It looks like you're looking at my crotch.” He caught Pidge say and jumped out of his skin when he realised the suggestive action it had and immediately prepared to apologize.

  
“Don't say anything. You know I'm a-sexual, I know I am a-sexual, everyone knows I am a-sexual. I don't take offence.” They uttered.

  
He liked that about them.

  
They didn't take offence to Keith. Especially when he was being awkward. He liked that they understood him and were so hard to offend.

  
The two of them had been best friends since childhood, known each other since Keith was nine, which would make it nine years.  
Once he was nine, he had a panic attack at school, he didn’t have them frequent at first. But they caught Keith having a panic attack once and Pidge, age seven, were the only one who tried to help him even when he was sitting in a corridor. They had strolled up to him with a confident step and sat down in front of him, a few feet away.

  
They had asked them questions, made them stay in the now and when he didn’t answer they reassured him through talking about whatever. About their family and their hobbies.

  
Apparently Pidge had a brother with anxiety and knew how to calm people down.  
Pidge were interesting, he got to know later on. They knew plenty of things about technology even at that tender age and size. Apparently her brother wanted to become a robotics major in college, he was fourteen years old, and was a technology prodigy. Pidge looked up to him even if they would never admit it. Keith was the only one who knew about it. At least, that she had admitted aloud.

  
Currently Keith were eighteen and Pidge were sixteen, she had skipped a grade and they were both in school. Pidge were a technology and robotics major and Keith,

  
Well,

  
He had no idea.

  
He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. Currently, he just wanted to survive.

  
***

“Assemble here, students!”

  
The voice of his P.E teacher, Allura exclaimed. She was an unbelievably beautiful woman.

  
But if you struck on a wrong nerve, you would never get the end of it. At least, that is what Keith read for the first time he saw her.

  
But, he was disgusted by the male teenagers in his class. They drooled over her like she was a sex slave and he hated men like that.

  
“Kogane. Get here now! You don’t want a detention, do you?”

  
He raised his eyes to meet her gaze. Her look was terrifying. For someone who came off as hostile he could be scared of things. Such things were women and their temper. Especially during their menstruation and their unbelievable hunger and thirst for chocolate or sweets.

  
He shivered at the thought.

  
But he quickly walked over to her and the other students, who he could hear whispering something about how they wouldn’t mind a detention if they got to spend it with her.

  
“Today, we’re going to do killer-ball. Do you know what that is?” She didn’t wait for their answer. “Basically you just have to dodge the ball. If you try to catch it and fails, you’re out.” She explained the rules easily and then blew her whistle.

  
He could see how she was a P.E teacher.  
She had a lean but muscular stature and her butt and legs were thick from all the training, and her arms were surprisingly buff.

  
He wouldn’t want to get in a fight with her.  
She soon came back with some balls, all the size of a volleyball, but clearly softer from the way she squished it with her hands. He could imagine how it was his head she was holding and the air pouring out was actually his blood.

  
She was terrifying.

  
If she and Shiro, who was a marine soldier, fought she would win without a doubt.  
She threw the balls out and different people caught it.

  
“Start in... One, two, three!”

  
It was a storm of balls flying around from left and right, back and forward. For him it was simple to dodge. Keith was a master in martial arts. He had also had to learn how to fight to make it in the foster homes. Not all of them were friendly after all.

  
He remembered how he at six years old when his father was alive had hid from the bullets. His father had been shot already, in the head. They kept shooting, he had been shot in the shoulder, his right one and he still had the scar. It was ugly and purple. It stood out against his pale ivory skin. There was a fire of bullets raining down on him. He remembered his heart, how fast it beat.

  
His lungs, how they strained for air.

  
His hands, clammy and hot.

  
His skin, red and sweaty.

  
His body, exhausted and bloody.

  
Once he was almost dead people helped him.

Kept him alive and stopped the bleeding. Put him in a hospital for a month.

  
But his father was dead so it didn’t matter.

  
Nothing mattered.

  
“Keith.”

  
It was soft.

  
“Keith. Calm down.”

  
Warm.

  
“Keith. Breath in. Breath out.”

  
Cold.

  
“Keith.”

  
Wet.

  
“Keith. Look at me.”

  
Dry.

  
“Keith. You’re having a panic attack.”

  
Gasp.

  
“Keith. Focus.”

  
Death.

  
“Keith. Please calm yourself.”

  
A whimper escape his lips and he just knew that everyone had their eyes on him. He felt his cheeks heat up. Why did he have to embarrass himself on only the second day of school.

  
Looking up, he saw he was in someone’s lap. Specifically Allura’s and she was soft. Even with all her muscles, her stomach had fat on it and he found that endearing.

  
“Keith. Are you okay?”

  
She smelled of flowers.

  
“Keith, does this happen often?”

  
He faintly noticed his nod.

  
“Did you take your medication?”

  
A shake of his head.

  
“Keith. Did you forget?”

  
A nod of his head.

  
“Keith. Do you want me to contact your family?”

  
He shook his head.

  
“Anybody else?”

  
Hesitation and then a nod.

  
“Who?”

  
***

He waited in the P.E hall for Pidge to come, they got to skip their class to keep him company. Apparently their teachers favourites him because of his past but he knows it’s pity. He felt how Allura just did that because of pity.

  
He knew what it was like when people felt bad for him. They always offered to call somebody to take care of him. First time it happened, Keith thought people cared about him but in the end he learned that they just didn’t want his life in their hands.

  
He closed his eyes.

  
Many people pretended to care while all they actually did was pitying him. He didn’t want pity. His father was murdered, sure. His mother left them and went missing, sure. He’s an orphan, sure.

  
But he’s nowhere near vulnerable.

  
Maybe there was a reason everything happened. Maybe he had a story to tell. Either way it was tragic, and he had no reason to believe otherwise.

  
“You’re so depressed, dude.”

  
He let a smile break onto his lips. Pidge had a talent to sneak up on him. That was why Pidge was so likeable to him. He didn’t like big people. People who used their size to intimidate. Pidge was small but deadly. They could sneak up on anybody.

  
It was rather scary.

  
**Hey Pidge.**

  
He signed, turning his head back to the killer-ball.

  
Allura was standing off to the side like every other student that were out. She had ordered him to sit on the bench while the class went on. At least until Pidge arrived.

  
Perhaps she didn’t want him to be alone while he waited.

  
He wasn’t that pathetic.

  
“Want to get out? Go to Starbucks?”

  
Pidge wouldn’t give up. Whenever he had a panic attack they would force him to go to Starbucks or go somewhere to relax. They always wanted the best for him but sometimes he just wanted them to leave him alone.

  
However, he really wanted some company and affection so he didn’t hesitate.

  
**Sure.**

  
And so, they made their way to Starbucks which was surprisingly very close to school. Of course that made all of them happy. But Pidge often whined about how it was so crowded and they hated crowds more than anyone he knew.

  
He knew they did it just for his sake.

  
***

  
It was a soft light. It was almost soft enough to be considered romantic as they walked in. Starbucks had always been like that though. There were big tables and in the centre of the building there was the counter were plenty of people were standing.

  
Keith didn’t pay attention to that though, he just wanted to get his coffee and then get a table. It was like Pidge knew what he thought because she walked up to the counter.

  
“One Chai Latte and Espresso.”

  
He sighed as he went for one table, it was a rule they had that one went and brought their order while the other one chose a table. Pidge clearly wanted to help him that day.  
So he went to find a table that were rather unoccupied. He knew Starbucks and pretty much every coffee shop were popular. Coffee were after all one of the many beverages that were at a risk to make people obsessed with it. Keith was obsessed with it and Pidge too. And pretty much everyone they knew.

  
It was a simple thing after all.

  
People like simple things. Things that they understand and when they don’t, well; they don’t like it. People are simple to understand once putting the effort in to do so.

  
But, usually people were just too lazy and that caused misunderstandings. People don’t try to understand other’s, it’s just an excuse they have to get nosy and get personal. That is one of the things he dislikes about people.

  
“Keith. Stop zoning out.” He looked up to see Pidge standing in front of him with two cups of coffee and brows furrowed.

  
“You were staring at a woman’s cleavage.”  
Keith choked on nothing and glanced around.  
He could hear the laugh in Pidge’s voice when they announced that.

  
**Give me my coffee.**

  
“Sure thing.”

  
It was beautiful, really. How friendships work. It was like a family, it’s impossible to choose family. But having friends is something close to that and really, Keith doesn’t think there is anything better than friendship in that exact moment.


End file.
